It's a new day of a new year. It's been quiet and I've been reflective.
Where the hell is my life going to go from here? I'm trapped.
I try not to get stressed out because it ends up hurting my eyes. Trust me on this. So, I clean the house, play a little of a game or two if I can see well enough, plan my escape, pack a box and try to picture my next home. Everything in town that supports a usual life is closed.
There is no pharmacy or Five and Dime anymore. The bowling alley is dead as well as the paint ball and go-kart place and, last straw for me, the grocery store in town closed up one day in the summer.
People who live here like the "quaintness" of the village so much that I think many would rather see it die. Right now if I walk half a mile I can get coffee, tacos, beer and sports on TV in two bars, a haircut or visit the newer gun shop. Lots of places to grab a bite from. But nothing that I think of as "meat" when living in a village of thouands.
Options for public transportation are practically nil. There is a county wide program available but my village is the odd man out as it refuses to get the services for people like me. The buses do come through here taking folks from other villages but they don't stop here.
I have a family that takes great pride in it's togetherness. In order for me to participate I am told I must live nearer by. On the expressway I am about 35 minutes away right now. My boyfriend is legally blind and I'm going blind and there is no way I'd be able to see him if I were to move to this closer space.
Actually, there is a great deal of contempt for me and I know that a move to be nearer would just make my interactions with my closest family feel even more burdensome. I have no desire, independent soul that I am, to take up the time of others who act like it's a burden.
Even to people who would describe themselves as being, like me, "of service" there is a distinct distaste for having a Pagan family member. Most of my family has morphed over the last eight years into Tea Party people. It make life tough when politics, religion and life goals are so disparate.
I did get to see family south of me on Thanksgiving because my brother decided to pick me up. He said he didn't think my uncle looked well and he wanted me to be able to see him. He looks well enough, in my estimation, although I know he's had some tough health problems in the last couple of years. I loved getting to go but I did not love getting berated during the ride. It's a long story.
Never a borrower or a lender be... and there are some folks who labor under the impression that I am rich. I never was but I knew how to manage money. I bought my home and then I lost my job because of my eyes -- not being able to see the computer screens, no matter how big they were. I also lost forty percent of my income compounded by spending in excess of seven thousand dollars each year for two or three years for health problems, insurance and medication.
I try to stay, if not positive, aware and focused on my tasks towards my goal. House needs to be packed up and cleaned and then I can consult a realtor. I tried renting out my upstairs level of my home twice, once to a good friend. All that resutted in was a mess upstairs and the loss of a friendship. Never again!
Try to walk in my shoes sometime. I don't think you'll last very long.
I am a curmudgon for many reasons and that's okay.
I am venting today because a family get together will probably take place without me. I'm tired of reminding folks I'm too blind to drive on a road trip - or much of anywhere really - and it's impossible to disabuse folks that I am well off enough to pay nearly a thousand bucks to go somewhere. I have said my peace. I have a car. I need a driver. Forty some odd people know this. I throw it into the arms of the universe and we will see where it goes. I expect to hear a nearby PLOP! any time now. I am tired of being seen as a beggar. I don't do that. I never did.
I am also very tired of broken promises. I missed out on Houston because I believed someone would keep his word. I only saw the baby once, back on Labor Day. I didn't get a ride to West Virginia. And folks keep scheduling get togethers when they know I can't do "after dark" even if I am having a relatively good I day.
Sometimes I think my disappearance would make a fair number of people more comfortable.
Til you come again........
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