Gratefulness and Expectations: A Way of Thinking

Life can be hard sometimes and it is not difficult to become swamped with feelings of depression and anger when life is not going as planned. I think that's part of understanding the problem. Expectations are like beautiful paintings seen from a distance. The blue sky, the sandy beach, and the green mountain range are all deceptive. Instead of looking at them  as absolutes I think viewing them as symbols makes more sense.

Is that blue sky cold or hot? Are clouds on the way? Is it backlit by a sun that is so hot that it burns? Does it herald the calm before a hurricane? Is the sand of the beach, like Lake Michigan's beach on the Indiana side, infested with dead ailwives that one can squish up between the toes on a walk? Is the green mountain range as lovely as it seems or are you forgetting about the snakes and poisoness critters and plants that inhabit it?

I've been very unhappy, at times, when I assumed or expected that certain truths were particularly true. I used to sing the mantra "family first" to my children and others who might listen. I find myself at odds with my family and far from those who care. I don't expect it will change but choose to remain open to future changes. I used to hammer myself about my unworthiness in situations where I assumed that certain people "should" care enough to "do" something.

I've learned life isn't all about me. I continue to retrain my brain and am not always successful. I brush myself off and try again when I realize I am off track. It helps to talk to myself about my gratitudes. No matter how dark the day I can find something to be grateful for. If I exist then I am alive. I am always grateful to be alive. If nothing else that is what I can focus on.

I am grateful for life, for a roof over my head and creature comforts of a simple kind. I am grateful for days when I can see better than usual. I am grateful that my daughters are succeeding in life from what I can tell. I am grateful that I have a talent for working with words. i am grateful I have chronic illness that can be treated.

I am grateful that there are a handful of folks who love me and perhaps one or two who actually come close to understanding me. I am grateful to have retired from an employer who had a plan for long term disability and that I chose to improve my plan before I knew I was going to be dealing witih blindness. I am grateful that, occasionally, a friend has a great idea that involves getting me out of the house for fun.

I could be angry for the blindness, the illness, the losses and for being so alone. Most of the time I am not. I am grateful for having ways to learn, on my own.

I doubt anyone is reading this but, if so, thank you.

Sherry